One thing I learned about feeling indispensable

Every month, I travel from Spain to the Netherlands to spend time with my ageing parents.

These visits matter enormously to me. I want to be present. I want to know how they are doing, spend time together and help where I can. But these visits also confront me with something that is not always easy to admit: part of me still wants to make everything better.

I notice what needs to be arranged. I look for practical solutions. I think ahead, organise and try to prevent new problems from appearing. These are qualities that have served me well throughout my career. They helped me lead complex organisations, support executives and guide teams through change.

But not every situation is a problem that can be solved. Sometimes the most difficult thing we can do is accept that we cannot fix everything for the people we love.

The comfort of being needed

There is something reassuring about being needed. When other people rely on us, we feel useful. We have a role to play. We know what is expected of us. Taking action can also protect us from uncomfortable emotions such as uncertainty, sadness or helplessness. Doing something often feels easier than simply being present.

I recognise this tendency in myself, both personally and professionally. For much of my career, I was used to stepping in when circumstances became difficult. People expected answers, decisions and direction. Being available and dependable was part of my responsibility.

Over time, however, being responsible can quietly turn into feeling responsible for everything. There is an important difference between the two.

When leadership becomes dependency

A while ago, I wrote about what I called the “Wi-Fi Trap”: the habit of remaining constantly connected during holidays because you believe the organisation cannot function properly without you. At first, this can look like dedication. You answer the emails. You join the important call. You help your team resolve an issue before it becomes a bigger problem.

But if every decision continues to come back to you, it is worth asking whether you are supporting the organisation or unintentionally keeping it dependent on you. Leaders can become trapped by their own usefulness.

Being the person who always knows the answer can be rewarding. It can reinforce your professional identity and your importance within the organisation. But it also comes at a cost.

The team does not develop the confidence to make decisions independently. Other leaders do not have the opportunity to stretch themselves. And you never truly disconnect, because you have created a system in which your continued involvement is essential.

Real leadership is not measured by how much stops when you leave the room. It is measured by what continues because of what you have built.

Caring is not the same as carrying everyone

The same distinction exists in our personal lives. When someone we care about is struggling, our instinct is often to step in. We want to remove the difficulty, provide the answer or restore the situation to how it used to be.

But ageing, illness, loss and major life transitions do not always have solutions. Sometimes love means helping. Sometimes love means listening. And sometimes love means accepting that another person’s situation is not ours to control.

That does not mean withdrawing or becoming less involved. It means learning to be present without automatically taking over.

During my visits to my parents, I am slowly learning that my presence may matter more than my solutions. A conversation, a shared meal or simply sitting together can be more valuable than completing another list of practical tasks. This does not come naturally to someone who has spent much of her life organising, improving and moving things forward.

But it is an important lesson.

Creating space for others

Feeling indispensable can appear generous, but it can sometimes be about our own needs as much as the needs of others. Do we step in because our involvement is truly necessary? Or because standing back makes us feel uncomfortable? Do we continue making decisions because the team lacks the experience? Or because we find it difficult to trust that they may choose a different approach from ours? Do we keep offering solutions because someone has asked for them? Or because listening without fixing makes us feel helpless?

These are not questions with easy answers. Most of us move between these motivations. Our desire to contribute is genuine, but so is our desire to remain relevant, useful and in control.

Becoming aware of the difference allows us to make more conscious choices. Sometimes we need to step forward. Sometimes we need to stand beside someone. And sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is take a step back.

A different definition of responsibility

Responsibility does not always mean doing more. It can mean creating clarity and allowing someone else to decide. It can mean asking a question rather than providing an answer. It can mean trusting the capability you have helped build.

In our personal lives, it can mean offering support without taking away another person’s autonomy. It can mean accepting that we cannot protect the people we love from every difficulty.

The goal is not to become less caring, committed or dependable. It is to care without carrying everything. To contribute without needing to control the outcome. To be present without making ourselves the centre of every solution.

Perhaps the holiday period gives us a useful opportunity to reflect:

Where am I genuinely needed, and where am I holding on to the feeling of being needed?

The distinction may be subtle, but it can change the way we lead, the way we support others and the way we look after ourselves. Sometimes the most important step is not learning how to do more, but discovering what you no longer need to carry alone.